February 2012
2 posts
“Yeah, I’m a vegan and the Ted Nugent t-shirt I’m wearing is sincere.”
– Superhero Captain Obvious, discovering irony and sarcasm
“Truth is on the side of the oppressed. What color panties are you wearing?”
– Malcolm Sext
January 2012
14 posts
In 100,000 years, archaelogists will be able to identify the remains of present day archaeologists by their clothing: tan khakis and a light blue button-up. When finding Jay Leno’s clothed skeletal corpse, they’ll believe him to be an earlier ancestor in the study’s evolutionary process.
America is the sort of place where you can be born with both lady and man parts, emerge as a female, become an actress in acclaimed films, and still be forever known more for hocking a yogurt that helps coax the poo out easier and habitually.
“Don’t get high on your own supply.”
– One-liner by the hero astronaut cop when taking a bad guy’s oxygen tank in my screenplay DIE HARD IN SPACE
Perspective
Look, I’m not a pig, so I don’t think rape jokes are funny. But, it would be hilarious to see an actual pig tell a rape joke.
Trying
At the warehouse club I work for, I recently stepped down from my position in the bakery and moved outside. To push shopping carts. Full-time. Just gathering the carts strewn about and left behind by customers. The perfect job for a dumb asshole. And I love it. While in the bakery, I thought about suicide constantly. It was a combination of the people I had to work/deal with and the amount of work...
“The idea of comedy, really, is not everybody should be laughing. It should be...”
– Patrice O’Neal
“I don’t give a fuck.”
– Someone who actually cares deeply, but thinks ignorance is cool and sexy.
“I’ll get him a glass, sure. But where does he drink it out of?”
– Dialogue from Water for the Elephant Man
Apparently I’ve traded drink and drugs for a compulsion to watch shitty movies. I won’t go into all the turds I’ve watched recently; except one: TWILIGHT. My Lord. I don’t even know where to start really… A quick synopsis, I guess: Seventween year-old girl from Phoenix named Bella moves to Forks, Washington to live with her estranged cop father. The new girl at...
I love the part of the Above the Rim blooper reel when Tupac is coughing/choking on his own blood after slicing the inside of his cheek open on the razor blade he kept under his tongue and tried to spit out all slick like.
You and Her Rune(d) My Day
I go to a coffee shop to write because I cannot be trusted alone in my apartment with access to naked boobs and butts one page over. Forcing myself to be proactive brings me in contact with the general public; something that’s always made me feel uncomfortable. Right now, as I write this, a gentleman is sitting to my left who smells like an antique store specializing only in loose-lidded mason...
December 2011
11 posts
“I’ve got a weird name. Hey, I have an idea: how about you laugh at it...”
– Zig Ziglar
I Had a Jacuzzi To Fall Back On
This will be a sex story that, I’m hoping, due to the way circumstances played out during the encounter, does not come off as disrespectful to women. I’ve been hesitant to write this because of the book “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell,” which is actually disrespectful to women. My worst fear confirmed would be an awaiting high-five from some dickhead who’s read this and aligned the story with his...
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Everytime a co-worker makes conversation with me laced with terrible (or any) work-related humor, I steal away to the bathroom and force a razor blade across the helmet of my penis in order to reclaim as much of the feeling of being alive as possible.
The Evolution of Music (Ten Years)
Music is constantly evolving. The consumer(s) propagates this process. With a pulse on the stages of what certain genres will likely become based on current trends in taste and consumption, I’m going to give you a glimpse of what some of the music you love will sound and resemble in 10 years.
Enjoy!
Hip Hop will be dominated by the gay community.
Jam Bands, over the course of 10 years...
Fruitcake Grovelers
In the bakery I work at, we make a fruitcake. They are disgusting, yet they sell out. Can’t keep ‘em on the shelves. The physical appearance of the people who seem to clamor for them fall in lockstep with how I feel about this dessert: they breathe and sound like Bobcat Goldthwait while resembling Buster Poindexter in the movie “Scrooged.”
Rick Ross
It would be sweet and not at all disrepsectful when Rick Ross finally dies to have a button on his tombstone that, when pressed, emitted his signature, guttaral “Ugh.” (It wouldn’t be sweet and would be disrespectful, but what it absolutely would be is fucking funny)
The Sad Future
“According to your résumé, Mr. Jackson, you are a member of #TEAMFOLLOWBACK with 1,906 Following and 1,310 Followers, which does meet the minumum prerequisite of 1,500 Followers for employ as a scientist here at our Medical Science facilities.”
Nostalgia
My freshmen year of high school, in remedial math class, I watched a giant pick fall out of the black guy’s pocket who sat in front of me. Another black guy chimed in: “Hey, Dorin. You dropped your rake.” I bark-laughed. Dorin turned around, shot me a glare, asking, “What the fuck you laughin’ at, Jamie from Small Wonder?”
November 2011
1 post
“Sweep the leg, Johnny!”
– Boss of barbershop that cuts limbs instead of hair yelling at his young apprentice to clean.
September 2011
21 posts
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Took a late night trip to the grocery store. Turned on the local Hip Hop and R & B station only to hear a song called “Just the Tip.” Sample lyric: “I just wanna put the tip in / enough of your water to skinny dip in.” Trying to parody society is mostly a fool’s errand because reality will always stick its neck out to beat you to a better punchline at 1/4 of the effort you put into mocking...
I can’t wait to read about the current dissatisfaction with Netflix in history books under the section titled “Things People Complained About While Society Lunged Toward Collapse.”
“After all his trials and tribulations, it’s nice to see that Charlie Sheen...”
– Guy Endore-Kaiser
During live performances, GG Allin liked to cut himself, smear the blood produced by doing so over his body and those of audience members, eat laxatives prior to concerts so he might defecate on the stage in order to throw and eat his own feces. He often intimated he’d commit suicide during a pre-determinded concert date. His actions and character preceding and following this statement...
DATELINE NBC’s Keith Morrison reading...
“And they say SHIVValry is dead.”
– Free one-liner to anyone making an upcoming prison film. NOTE: Preceding this dialogue, an inmate must stab another prisoner with a makeshift knife.
How To Fight (and Win) Against the Terrible
Between the bar next door and my apartment is a wall. Through this wall, a white guy is scatting (no, really) over some jam band-y instrumentals. It’s Friday night. I’m palming mellocreme pumpkins into my mouth that I paid for with my debit card. I do this because I’m maintaining sobriety. I’m sober because people tell me I’m a noticeably better person since making alcohol and drugs absent...
“Neville’s Advocate.”
– Someone who, while arguing something they don’t know much, knows they love you.
“If there were a late-night comedy show completely run by comedy writers, without...”
– Writer for Conan O’Brien, Todd Levin in his article titled “How to Kill a Joke (and your Boss)”. This is pretty true and probably my biggest defect as a writer. I never search for a positive (funny) alternative. LINK: http://www.good.is/post/how-to-kill-a-joke-and-your-boss/
“More like Edward James ALMOST!!!”
– What I’d scream at Edward James Olmos if we were playing basketball and he missed a shot.
Whose got two thumbs and can help me hammer a bad, overused joke home because I lost both thumbs years ago installing a garage door? This guy, with the Mountain Dew t-shirt?
A Rough Approximate of What I'd Consider My Ideal...
Me: Goddamn. I hate ___________.
Girlfriend: Yeah. Me too.
Me: Let's have sex.
Girlfriend: Okay.
Frank Sinatra says he never trusted a man who doesn’t drink. Yeah, because all the drinkers I’ve ever met were reputable and trustworthy folk. Fuck Ol’ Blue Eyes, his whoring, dictator mindset, his mob ties, and goon-think.
“Be a PITAfile!”
– Horrible ad campaign for pita bread.
While driving through Gary, Indiana, windows down, J. Geils “Centerfold” blaring, a group of about 20 black guys flagged me down and asked me to join their gang, The Gangster Disciples. Meeting with Larry Hoover Monday. :)
“Fuck. I got September.”
– Hunky firefighter upon hearing what month he’ll get in next year’s calendar.
Whose dick do the hunky calendar firemen of September be suckin’? Seems like the spot to compete for if yer never forgetin’.
August 2011
14 posts
