July 2010
9 posts
The mexican restaurant I was going to eat at alone was choked with people, forcing my agoraphobic hand into a gyro, possibly suicide.
Not A Total Loss
My own stink has roused me out of bed to take some sort of action. Like Howard Hughes putting the pieces together to make a coherent court appearance, I will muster the courage to shower, possibly shave, and retire back to Hulu, finishing off Season One of SPACED. It isn’t entropy, but it isn’t exactly crossing a threshold. Boredom has its place in sobriety, which is the exact reason...
Mel Gibson’s Racist N-WORD Rant: VOICEMAIL
Doughy, middle-aged shirtless man reading a trashy paperback in his rusty pick-up truck; appearing like what I would imagine a modern day prophet to be? I’ll take it and give thanks, Thursday.
June 2010
14 posts
“Whatever!!!”
– The battle cry of idiots when faced with their own inadequacies.
“Goodnight, you Tyler Perry’s, you Houses of Payne…”
“It was brilliant, and would have been better without all the fat parents and...”
– My nephew, Ethan(5), and his contentious review of TOY STORY 3
“When God gives you lemons… Wait, why is God giving me lemons? It’s,...”
National Public Radio has a host whose name is Richard Steele, which, if there’s a balance to everything, means there is a porn actor who performs under the name Oliver Cromwell Baumgartner.
“Three fingers: It’s my favorite pour of bourbon, and the number of digits...”
– Ernest Hemmingway, Winner of “Yo Momma Snaps,” 1947
When equality doesn’t equal correct: Deciding to train your new handicapped hire on the meat slicer.
Rounding out the superhero versus villain story of comic book archetypes, my sworn nemesis at work listens/loves the music of Nickelback — my Kryptonite.
More proof the terrorists aren’t winning: you can now get your own likeness on a postage stamp. That really puts the “cunt” in country.
Just ate three fourths of a readymade cookie cake designed for a 2010 graduation party; filling voids and my hater quotient for the day in one symbolic act of gluttony. Can society just fucking collapse already so I can watch a group of people fighting over a rat for nourishment? I’d sure feel a lot better about my own disheveled habits.
Huffington Post Sample Headline
SMILING CAUSES BONE CANCER?
Farley's Issues Test
If you’re a female who is wondering whether or not you have daddy issues, here is a good litmus test: if you find yourself attracted to me, you do.
May 2010
15 posts
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is gonna have to let loose with some ethnic slurs at The Laugh Factory in order to shift focus away from the oil spill in The Gulf.
I was looking forward to summer until I forgot about the worst part of summer: other people are also looking forward to it.
A piece of boneless chicken rolls off the table and I snap my legs together with reflexive bravado, catching the spicy nugget between my thighs. You still got it, you sexy motherfucker.
“Whose dick do I gotta suck around here to get a blowjob?”
– Michael Jordan
“I’ll chomp on ya bit fah tree handred dollahs.”
– The Worst Prostitute Ever
COLLEGE THESIS (Sample)
Look no further than the relationship between the drug dealer and the junkie for the answer to the question: “What is worse: Being an employee of Arby’s, or a customer?”
“I wish we could use our dicks to trace over sentences being read aloud instead...”
– God
“Goddamn — white people that don’t hate themselves are stupid.”
– The Huffington Post
If I had one less thing to keep me bobbing along with the flow of society, this bird I just watched clean itself in a puddle would be all the motivation I needed to become homeless.
Shirtless tweens hovering over ghastly-sized roadkill?
You guessed it, I’m in Hobart, Indiana.
BIG to-do about this bomb found in a vehicle in NYC.
GREAT.
Now how’m I supposed to get the explosives I purchase from The Bomb Store to my home — on a fucking skateboard?!?!?!?
Thanks, Obama!
I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!!!!!
“There are still milestones I’ve yet to achieve in music so, no, I’m...”
– Jay-Z
“After a decade of working alongside people you consider idiots, you may suddenly...”
– Joseph Farley, Genius
April 2010
7 posts
“God is dead.”
– Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
“ Whoa… pussy is kinda gross! ”
– Justin Bieber
“ Sometimes you shit your pants, sometimes your pants shit you.”
– Oprah Winfrey
“ Truth be told, telling your lover that it’s a “fantabulous”...”
– Van Morrison
March 2010
4 posts
Today at work, a police officer was blocking the entrance back into my department with a shopping cart. I said, ”Excuse me, sir — I need to get by.” The cop turned to face me and I was met with the steely gaze of a spiky-haired bulldyke. Once the shock (three seconds) wore off, I felt pretty good about myself.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy Cheeseburger flavored Doritos.
I will not buy...
“No, I said I was a RAPE-ist, not a RACE-ist.”
– Roman Polanski
“ When I said I was HIV-free, what I meant was I’d give you AIDS at no...”
– Kelsey Grammer
February 2010
4 posts
“ When I hear that band Nickelback, I want more than five cents in return. ”
– Henny Youngman